Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Writing what's on my mind!

I apologise this is not a normal post. I need to write this down so I can attempt to see this from other viewpoints, it is also incomplete in the sense I will update this possibly when I think more about it.

The 26Th February is not a nice day, and I've hated it since the age of 11.

Lets go back...... It was a Sunday. It had been a fantastic day. Mum was feeling good for once, which was a great reprieve from her suffering.

We went out to play, and even asked to come back a bit later for dinner as it was such a lovely day, hours rolled by and we came home. I had to rush my dinner and go back to chior at the church (oh I miss my old voice) Such a great day continued until we set off for home. Someone stopped my father, telling him to rush home. Something was wrong.....


While we were out my mum and sister were at home. Mum had fallen asleep on the chair, and sister was (probably) listening to nirvana, reef and bush upstairs.
She came to check on mum, but she would not respond. 999 was called and she got our brother who lived nearby to help.

From what i remember getting back there was seeing through the window paramedics over my mum, the chair thrown over and us all in a worsening state of panic. This image still haunts me now.

I can only be thankful that she was asleep and had a peaceful day.

Sadly Cancer claimed another victory that day! I wish it was a person so i could take my aggression out on it!

Nobody seemed to know what to do with us, I can't remember much about the events after. bar the feeling of angst that my head teacher came to the funeral. I could understand the teacher/counsellor (she did come) but not him!


I still feel like February is a month to avoid in my life. I hate it genuinely it's the one month in the year I would happily hibernate. But in hindsight hiding away would probably make it worse.

I may not speak to much of the family any more, but I still cannot imagine what when through my fathers, sisters or brothers head that night. The same goes for the paramedics. they obviously phase away from death side of it, but this must affect them psychologically too.

On that note I'm going to stop typing. I need to clear my mind.

All any of us want who have lost a loved one is the chance to see them again, if even for a moment! One day......


.....One day.


Paul.

4 comments:

  1. I wrote about how I am starting to hate January because of the number of people I know and loved (still love) who have have been taken during January. It's important to remember that even though they are gone that they are still with us in our hearts and maybe this year on the 26th you could do something special for your Mum, something to celebrate the life that she did have. Hugs to you.

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  2. Hugs for you honey - I can only imagine how that feels. My DD was born in Feb, you can celebrate that with me if you like :) I used to hate August because my Nan was taken that month. LO was born in August... I celebrate my Nans life now. Life is bloody cruel, bloody cruel. My Nan had cancer. She also had Alzheimers which is an evil disease as well..

    Remember your Mum from your good times together. Here for you hun x

    ReplyDelete
  3. I wrote about how I am starting to hate January because of the number of people I know and loved (still love) who have have been taken during January. It's important to remember that even though they are gone that they are still with us in our hearts and maybe this year on the 26th you could do something special for your Mum, something to celebrate the life that she did have. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hugs for you honey - I can only imagine how that feels. My DD was born in Feb, you can celebrate that with me if you like :) I used to hate August because my Nan was taken that month. LO was born in August... I celebrate my Nans life now. Life is bloody cruel, bloody cruel. My Nan had cancer. She also had Alzheimers which is an evil disease as well..

    Remember your Mum from your good times together. Here for you hun x

    ReplyDelete