Sunday, 17 June 2012

Dear dad.


This contains a fair bit of swearing so strap in and lets get this mess within my head out the way!

Dear Dad

You did mess up a little with me, you know it.

I even tried to work young as you said. Working from about 14/15 until recently being a bit broken of spine. But it's ok. You we're working the shunters in the truck yard at 13 you told me. (and many others through the years have told me too)

Sadly I think you didn't like this too much. Hence when working and college became a problem you tried to stop things, despite working 2 jobs, studying and beginning voluntary work within the village. Yes you thought you we're doing what's right and who am I to argue?

Even when the choice to kick me out was decided. You saw it fit to do so when in a position to change my own career prospects had came up, losing the chance as a result


Am I fucked off about this? Yes and no.
Yes because I could have had a damned good career from the youth work, and this was my aim.
And No. Because of the path it lead me down I'm a proud as punch parent to my three kids and happy with the Jessie

I do wonder some things though, sadly you'll never be able to tell me your thoughts. Unless you find out how to talk beyond the grave.

Why kick me out at such a pivotal point in my life? I can't understand it. I was working towards a great career in life and having to move suddenly ruined everything. I had to pick up the pieces from within the rubble as a result.


Why ignore the hospital. You silly man. You could be alive now playing with your grandchildren, have your HGV license back and out on the road driving a Foden, MAN, Volvo or Daf about now if you would have listened to the hospital. They told you this and you ignored it. Harsh but true. I apologise if this offends. But i'll stand by this, My father was told to stop smoking, eating shitty fried shit all the time and he would have improved. Sadly he didn't listen.


Now for the nice bit.

Thanks for kicking me out, I wasn't lazy but it did show me one thing. Living off £2 a week, and sometimes a lot less (remember the days of 9p bread and 30p tubs of lard called marge? I still shudder at them. But it makes a good (bollocks) weekly meal!) but got through it.

If I had not got through that shite I would not be where I was now with my 3 kids and partner. So that's a bloody good thing.

Thanks for making an effort to find where I live and turning up that night, who would have known you were about to die eh? As offensive as that sounds. It took a huge pair of balls to start rebuilding bridges. Even if I didn't know what the flip was going on!


This fathers day. If your father is not here. Light a Candle, release a lantern (yeah I know the issues with them. So release safely). Don't forget them

Also if therein this world and you don't talk. Make that call.

To the kids who's dad's have never been there. Your mum's are doing a fab job too. Never forget it
And to those kids who lost there dad when young. I offer a virtual hug.

Paul  

2 comments:

  1. Wow. A very powerful letter about a complex and conflicted relationship with your Dad.
    Thanks for writing it - and for linking up x

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  2. Just catching up with your blog Mr H. You sure have been busy! This is such an emotive post, I can feel the despair and love in your heart.

    Massive hugs
    T x

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